You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
