Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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