I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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