Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
BRING THE BAGELS
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
