my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
