I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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