Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
