she woke up with a sticky ear
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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