He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
two words...techno handjob
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
