Swine flu. Run for my life!
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
