either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
