I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
