HIV tests are more positive than that guy
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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