yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
