I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
