WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Bring me that man meat
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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