I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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