so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
