and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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