Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
