It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
