dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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