he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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