you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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