Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
