dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
she looked like the before picture.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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