You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
