From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
