i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
