now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
