Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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