I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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