ya dads aren't the best wingmen
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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