I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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