I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
