He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Randomize
