Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
as a side note pls kill me
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
