I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
