Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
