Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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