i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
