Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
