you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
