My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
