I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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