I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
