I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
