She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
