My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
