If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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